"I am here to tell you not to place a man or a marriage above commonsense"- Beautiful article written by Joy Bewaji

Joy Isi Bewaji wrote a beautiful article on women believing in their self worth, and not accepting domestic violence as a norm. How women who represent different strata of society, still act the same way when it comes to marriage. She gave an accurate and deep understanding of relationships and self worth. This is a well written article for everyone, men and women to read. Please read after the cut...


"I remember K-solo's wife.
Beaten blue black and defrauded by husband, producer/musician K-solo.
She got the whole internet on her side.
Two weeks later, she's on Channels- with her abuser; his hand around her...
"Oh! It was all a joke," she says, "we were just fooling around. Akshually, we were trying our hands on acting. We want to see if we can build careers in Nollywood."
She dismissed the abuse. And we all moved on."


One week later, K-solo parades another woman as the woman he will be spending the rest of his life with...
Whilst first wife is pregnant.
First wife tries again to hawk same sympathy on these cyber streets... we directed her to a tree, and advised her to fuck it.
*
Melaye's wife.
Beaten like a common crook in her marriage.
Her husband knocks up a Nollywood actress, one Bisi.
Bisi keeps the baby and tells the world it belongs to Melaye.
Battered wife defends husband. Says it is impossible for her godfearing man to impregnate a lowly actress, a jezebel (perhaps, she was the gecko in the hotel room).
Two weeks later, battered wife is in the news with cuts and bruises. She has been kicked out. Another (not Bisi) takes over her matrimonial space. In Nigeria, these things happen quite effortlessly.
*
Iniabasi, almost a nobody, defrauds and promises women marriage.
Wife writes an epistle of her love and support for her husband.
*
And on and on and on.
These women, living inferior lives by choice are resting on some kind of psychological abuse as reason for disrespecting self.
K-solo's wife was a business woman. Successful.
Melaye's wife was married to a senator of a nation that is blind to corruption. Her husband obviously gets his share of the loot. She had no reason to be poor and powerless.
Iniabasi's wife, well...
*
Women who represent different strata of society, all acting the same way when it comes to "marriage".
Allowing self to burn to crisp pity and humiliation.
These are women who can run successful media empires like Linda Ikeji; study in STEM, build apps for the future; have a voice and a seat in politics like Theresa May; contribute to nation building...
But they've been told that the only thing that truly mattered was being married to anything. He doesn't even have to be responsible. He doesn't have to be anything you even desire. Just marry. The rest will work itself out.
*
At my Konga speech on International Women's day, I said:
I am not here to tell you how to make money. I suspect you know how to take care of your bills. I am not here to tell you how to discover your talent, you must have read books on that. The informal sector thrives because women work hard. Women know how to make money.
I am here to tell you not to place a man or a marriage above commonsense.
Women constantly make complete fool of themselves- girlfriends acting utterly clueless, scraping the bottom pot of their finances to "help" a "struggling" boyfriend, failing to provide for self. Sacrificing self beyond necessary. Disgracing their future.
Denying self growth because a mere man needs to catch up so he doesn't feel inadequate in the relationship. You continue to dumb down to lift up another. You think that is love?
You mock God and all the potential He gave you because your wholeness is uncomfortable to ONE man.
Was it not May D's baby mama, abused constantly by the singer, who said she played a major role in funding his studio sessions whilst she was a struggling student? A mere child. Wasn't she, like, 19 at the time?
*
When sex scandal breaks... unless you are the bug eating his dirty linen... how then can you categorically say that "he didn't do it?"
How about silence?
How about carrying your head high and placing an episode that is none of your fault beneath you?
How about checking your HIV status? Or go for STDs medical check?
How about drinks with your friends to take your mind off shit? How about an hour at the spa?
How about registering at the gym. Losing weight, getting those muscles on your arms, getting rid of fat in your tummy. How about investing in a good beauty brand?
How about dancing with a hot stranger to remind yourself there's still a lot of beauty in the world? (Oh, sorry. You are a "virtuous" woman)
Anything but shaming the education your parents paid for.
*
Women are not victims- wife, girlfriends... all of you. Not victims.
Women simply refuse to make smart decisions when it comes to men and marriage.
The way you run your successful hair business... wake up by 4am to get ready for your bank job... the way you excel at running a business meeting- brainstorming, analysing, reaching brilliant conclusions... the way you study and make good grades...
Apply that sense when a man stands in front of you talking about love/marriage.
Women continue to record similar sad issues on men/sex/love. We don't learn from the next woman. All our roundtable events that shut men out add nothing to our sense and how we confront issues on love and men.
It is that belief of "my story will be different" that makes us laughable.
Monalisa Chinda's first husband was violent. Monalisa shared the story. After the divorce, another woman married him only a few months later. She literally bought over Monalisa's garbage.
The man did the same thing to the new wife- beat the shit out of her and made her money his; she runs to Linda's blog to complain. The marriage was dissolved.
Nigga man is with another Nigerian woman as we speak.
It is a dangerous thing to live without consequences.
Men live without consequences. And as long as it remains that way, we shall continue to record annoying videos on Tiwa and Tonto, and read chic-lit books on Toke.

It is your fault, women.